looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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