those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
