Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
