I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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