Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
