A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize