sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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