im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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