i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
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