I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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