69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
