My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he shaved USA in his pubs
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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