I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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