I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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