i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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