i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
