How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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