So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
