Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
