can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
