I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
