Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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