I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
