My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
