I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
