oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I bet he comes in French.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
