I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
