He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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