I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
