My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
