does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
They took my balls.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
