My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
