there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
