I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
