You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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