someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
