you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
