I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
