I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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