But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
