I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
