remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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