i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
