dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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