i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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