whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i now understand why vodka
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
