Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
