Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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