textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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