Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
