mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
