I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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