Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
