with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
