Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
