My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
