Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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