I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
