I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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