its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
