Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This is not my ceiling
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i want to swaddle you in tequila
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
