dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
