I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
