she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
