we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
