He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
