she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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