CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
