Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
