I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
