i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
