I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize