just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
